I Didn't Cry...

I was feeling a bit like a bad mom last week. I got my boys to school on Tuesday and my girls went on Wednesday. I left the school with dry eyes. Mary was content...no happy to see me leave. She was so ready for kindergarten. I felt a little bit annoyed that she could just wave goodbye and send me off without a so much as "I'll miss you mom".

So with my dry eyes I went to the gym, Costco, Target, and a few other places. I came home and got things put away and did some laundry and dishes and still now tears. The kids came home with reports on friends and teachers and I was happy for them. Then I started to hear about other moms and what a hard day it was to see kids off. Then I remembered seeing parents tearing up as I bolted from the school to run my errands...I must be a horrible mom. I thought about it all weekend...and felt really bad for not missing my kids.

Then I thought about the last two weeks of vacation... they all quit listening to me and would not pick up anything! I was relieved that for 6 hours the floor I have to clean could have a break from their stuff. The sink would not be filled with 5 cups each and two straws for each glass of choc. milk! I was thrilled to be able to drive past McDonald's and not hear crying from the back seat for happy meals or ice cream cones. So I decided it was normal that I didn't cry or feel sad, and if they had been more helpful then maybe I would be a better (more tearful) mom.

Then today came and I didn't get kids up on time so I had to drive the younger 3 to school. Mary cried because she didn't want to go...and then started to feel bad. Why didn't she want to go? Was someone mean to her? Was she being ignored? I started asking her a million questions and started telling her all the boring stuff I was going to do today. School would be way more fun that boring ole' mom. Then she told me she just didn't want to leave me. She wanted me to be there with her today. She asked if I could stay and then I did start to tear up and cry. I think when I saw how confident she had been the last week it was easier to wave goodbye and leave, but seeing her so unsure and hearing her worry about not finding her classroom, and knowing that she did still need me...made me just break down as I drove off.

So now I don't know if that makes me a good mom or not. Was it better to leave with dry eyes and fake assurance that I wasn't needed? I don't know but at least now when people ask if I cried when Mary went off to kindergarten at least I can honestly say I did!